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Joke of the Day

"Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward? Her: Yeah, a little... Me: I was talking to my mom! Mom: No, I'm fine."

"When someone describes themselves as a ""foodie"" I automatically assume they shit a lot."

"""Children, stop biting grandpa's nails... ...or I'll close the coffin!"""

"Why did raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face screaming ""LIE TO ME""!"

"I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs."

"""I've had enough of your shit"" ~ toilet paper on strike."

"You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list."

"Look, if you didn't want to go to prison you should've started a war or destroyed the economy. But you downloaded a movie, you felon"

"So, I picked up a girl last night at a Rapture party and we went back to my place... When I woke up in the morning she was gone!"

"How do you lose fourteen stone of fat? Dump him."