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Joke of the Day

"in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i'm leaving"

"""It's no biggie"" I can't tell if they are trying to make me feel better or insulting my manhood on the first date."

"I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it."

"Every time I listen to oldies I'm like, ""These people didn't even have cellphones. What the fuck do they know about love?"""

"The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!"

"You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink."

"If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones."

"I don't think it's very professional for my psychologist to say ""holy shit!"" twice during my hour."

"He thought I wore a size two. A size two?! I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating."

"Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown."