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Joke of the Day

"I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish."

"The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am."

"I will be the first president who is openly mentally ill"

"WHY DID THE KOALA FALL OUT OF THE TREE? Because it was dead."

"What's a Mad Cow's favorite rap song? MOO! Bitch, get out the way... Get out the way... Get out the way."

"How are women like KFC? After your done munching on the breasts and thighs, you have a nice greasy box to put your bone in"

"Cannibal Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend In the forest?"

"FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER: 1) get her home by 11 p.m. 2) so we can chill 3) i have mario party 4) be my friend"

"I need to pluck my eyebrows before they cast Eugene Levy to play me in the movie of my life."

"I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream."