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Joke of the Day

"Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!"

"doktor: are you enjoying the weather? me: yes. it is very outside"

"""Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you."" *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud."

"Guys! The Ultimate Warrior Is Not Dead! He just decided to return to Parts Unkown."

"I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward."

"Finding girls is like playing blackjack. I always try to go for 21 but end up hitting on 14."

"It's really hard to explain that your eyes are really red from allergies and not weed when you're buying cupcakes and a pound of Doritos."

"Whoever snuck the s in ""fast food"" is a clever little b@stard."

"Don't do drugs, kids. The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us."

"I quit my band, 1023MB, the other day... We never had a Gig."