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Joke of the Day

"A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. 'He's like a fish out of water.' You mean he's having trouble adjusting?' No, I mean he's dead.'"

"I don't mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he's hiding in them waiting for me to get home."

"Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year. From all of us, thank you x"

"Drake like his women like... I like my Mustang... 47 years old."

"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb has to do the changing."

"When I was little, I didn't give a fuck about what to wear. My parents dressed me up. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it seems they didn't give a fuck either."

"[DEATH ROW] WARDEN: Last meal? CON: Just a glass of lemonade please *Drinks lemonade/Burps* WARDEN: Pardon [CON WALKS FREE] W: SHIT"

"What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 ho's"

"What is white and disturbes your dinner? An avalanche."

"The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. ""Have you ever been x-rayed?"" asked the doctor. ""Nope"" she replied ""But ah've been ultra-violated."""