201167

Joke of the Day

"[Japan] HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste? *distant Godzilla noises*"

"Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram."

"Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president? Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind."

"Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, ""That's her. She's the one"" And not follow it with ""who ate cake out of the garbage"""

"Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell."

"What do nazis eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles"

"""DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!"" ~A parent's memoir."

"And the Lord said unto John... ""Come forth and you will receive eternal life."" But John came fifth, and he won a toaster."

"*dies* *gets to heaven* *sees furries everywhere* Me: What the... Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man *laughs, puts on giraffe costume*"

"How do you summon a wizard taxi? CABRACADABRA!"