200319

Joke of the Day

"I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that's one less person I ever have to talk to again."

"I was the atm today and an old women asked for my help checking her balance So i pushed her over."

"MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL"

"The Brexit situation Britain: Down with the EU! *Next Day* Britain: I meant I'm down with the EU."

"[interview] My biggest weakness is that I'm too literal ""That's fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!"" *turns to whiteboard* welcome"

"What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months? I think we should sea otter people."

"Where does lonely soup go? To a brothel."

"I wish I could put my whole fucking house in the washing machine."

"My mum asked me if I had taken my lizard for a walk... ... I told her I was goanna do it later."

"I'm at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved."