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Joke of the Day

"Who are the real Guardians of the Galaxy? Security at Samsung."

"Hey I really like you. I wanted to know if you'd like to gradually grow to despise each other over the next 4-5 years."

"Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs."

"Why can't chickens pee? Their pecker's on the wrong end."

"yo momma so stupid that blonds make jokes about how stupid she is."

"Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the- Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored W: M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen"

"I won't beheading to Iraq anytime soon"

"Every time I read news about ISS Im like what did ISIS do this time... half way through the article... how the hell did they get to space. Oh wait damn you dyslexia!! edit: joke"

"if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up"

"ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents."