20016

Joke of the Day

"In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate"

"Why the long face? ""A horse walks into the bar and the bartender comes over and says, 'Why the long face?'"" - Not my original for sure, but always makes me smirk."

"How many Suhhh Dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam"

"Sorry about my two week Twitter hiatus, I was trying to find the end of the plastic wrap."

"Weight loss tip: Don't eat so much you fat piece of shit."

"What did the busy tailor say to the Scarecrow who needed some mending? I can't find the twine."

"After two months, I finally finished reading a book on herbs & spices It's about thyme. Bet you didn't see that one cumin."

"What's the difference between a porcupine and a ferrari? The porcupine has pricks on the outside."

"TIL the average person has sex 90 times a year... ... My December is going to be fucking sick."

"What do you call male and female Jewish baristas? Hebrews and Shebrews."