199517

Joke of the Day

"People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with ""Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER."""

"Why did Hitler move from Germany to Westeros in full support of the Starks? Because he saw real hope for an Aryan nation."

"I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me."

"How did you get those horrible burns? *flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire."

"I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon."

"So I dragged off this girl from the bar the other night... She had this cool tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. Damnedest thing, though! When I put my ear to it, I could smell the ocean."

"I find it hard to dress casually. I always get emotionally involved."

"How many black guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one - you fucking bigot."

"[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That's not true"

"Doctor Doctor I think I'm a python You can't get round me just like that you know!"