199332

Joke of the Day

"I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, *look what's telling me that.*"

"If my wife were a car, she'd be a Ferrari. I paid through the nose for it but only take it out for a spin maybe once a month. ... Also, I wish I had a Ferrari."

"The Avengers all went for dinner. What did Bruce Banner have? HULK'S MASH!"

"You don't need to tell me that I'm not your cup of tea. I am well aware that I'm not a cup of tea, idiot."

"April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest."

"Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with 'Kevin E' written on the side."

"What do you call a couple, who are both in wheelchairs? A pair of polegics!"

"How do you guys tweet from the toilet? I poop with both hands."

"Dream Job My dream job is cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing."

"*spin kicks cigarette out of your mouth* Nothing is cooler than health"