198627

Joke of the Day

"The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me."

"I'm writing a book called ""Stop Overreacting"". If you guys don't buy it I'm going to kill myself."

"wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok? me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on! wife:9, you're in charge"

"the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it's full of skeletons now"

"Cake day: How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Response: I don't know, I'm no scientist."

"[Deathbed Confession] I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS."

"*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself* 'wait, if that's here' *son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*"

"If I had a time machine I'd go back and give myself a bunch of incorrect lotto numbers, and teach myself the value of hard work."

"""DADDY!?!"" (toddler calling out) Me: ""Daddy's upstairs but can I help you with something?"" ""Yes. You can go get Daddy."""

"My boss asked me how many Galaxy Note 7s I ended up selling to the public. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall."