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Joke of the Day

"[loud bar] Her: I have to urinate Me: What? H: Urinate M: What? H: URINATE! M: Well, YOU'RE a 10! H: Huh? No! You're like a 5. I gotta pee."

"My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time. You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew."

"I'm giving up negativity for lent. We'll see how long that lasts. Edit: aware it should be pessimism. This is a serious quote from a friend who didn't realise what she'd said."

"Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife died."

"The news about Charlie Sheen having HIV is the only positive thing I have been reading in my Facebook timeline all week. No pun intended."

"If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of 4 girls on Instagram, and then comment, ""You 3 look great!"" Magic will happen afterwards..."

"A slightly drunk woman. A slightly drunk woman watches tv and yells ""Don't go there! Don't go to the church you dumb bitch!"" Her husband asks ""What are you watching?...""Our wedding video""."

"I don't care what everyone says, I think my Jersey Shore hairstyle makes me look sophisticated."

"I have a new party trick. I swallow two bits of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together... I shit you knot!"

"If you ever find yourself being attacked by a gang of clowns... ...go for the juggler."