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Joke of the Day

"Loads of people are lining up to buy my vampire teeth. Fang queue."

"[at wine tasting] Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone. ""Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine"" Strong smokey undertone"

"I'm a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them"

"Did you hear that the Jim Henson company is making a show about meth-cooking? They're calling it Borking Bad."

"*spills wine on Ouija board* OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T ME: *moves pointer to NO*"

"What's Snoop Dogg's favorite time of day? Tree O'clock!"

"I've never held a baby before ""It'll be fine"" *I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*"

"I ran over a child who was on his way to band practice carrying his cymbals. I'll never forget that horrible sound as I rolled past his motionless corpse. Ba dum tiss"

"I hate when I'm in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I'm in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms."

"Silly batman joke my doctor told me today Twoface never liked it when his men shouted, 'hey you! With the face!'"