197021

Joke of the Day

"How much Squidwards does it take to fix a lightbulb? zero, because none of them knows how to"

"Tonight I'm going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I'll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza."

"Becoming a vegetarian Is a big missed steak."

"Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna."

"Where do you send a Jew with ADHD? A concentration camp!"

"How much money does the Treasurer of the United States make? All of it."

"As a Brit I didn't believe Brexit could be Trumped But it seems that's exactly what's happened :("

"Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]"

"Dear Airlines, We never really turn the phones off. Signed, Everyone"

"Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs"