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Joke of the Day

"If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar & say ""Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."""

"A guy said to his friends ""you are all nuts"" They replied ""we know, we are healthy"""

"There are two secrets to being a successful businessman. 1) Never tell people everything you know... 2)"

"Let's play the Rihanna drinking game! We'll drink a shot of vodka every time she says 'work'. [2 minutes later] *house is on fire*"

"Sorry I tweeted before texting you back. Sorry I opened your Snapchat but didn't respond. Sorry these are things we actually worry about now"

"Buy a boat, name it Relation. Now you can tell people that you have a relationship."

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"

"St. Patrick's day vs Martin Luther King Jr. Day. What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day? St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish."

"[therapist] what seems to be the problem? [her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It's awful [me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle"

"You were a great man, Christopher Columbus ... ... to think you had the foresight of giving me work off 5 centuries later."