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Joke of the Day

"Today I was told that I sing like an amputee. Apparently I can't hold a note or carry a tune."

"What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls? There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?"

"Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge... Rest in peace. Friend: I'm so sorry for your loss. Me: Oh, she's not dead, she's just really lazy."

"Ever notice how confusing your sentence's are when you incorrectly use apostrophe's to pluralize word's? It hurt's me even to type thi's."

"What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?"

"Me: Can I have a Batmobile? Santa: Be realistic. Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job? Santa: I'll leave the Batmobile in the garage."

"How are girlfriend like cults? You have to prove your devotion before you're welcomed into the folds."

"Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? A: He has got no beef."

"What's a cops favorite TV show? Justified"

"Day one of acting school should be teaching actors how to hold an empty cup of coffee on 'Law and Order' like it's a full cup of coffee."