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Joke of the Day

"Russian proverb: the church is near, but the road is icy... The pub is far away, but I'll walk carefully."

"What's the difference between a corvette and a blowjob? Your mom didn't give me a corvette"

"If I've learned one thing from twitter, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day tweeting."

"There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom."

"Did you hear about the italian chef? He pasta way"

"The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered."

"I live in the United States. Upon taking some classes in France I notice a gorgeous bombshell pass me. I check her out hard. I guess you could say I was really studying a broad."

"People who genetically engineer food, why don't you make celery that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up"

"I'm going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint ""Welcome to chicago"" on my roof to confuse people who are about to land."

"2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs"