195527

Joke of the Day

"Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building."

"maintenance guy at the airport just told me he'd rather look at girls' poop than guys' poop. No more small talk today."

"Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their ""eating disorder""."

"My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not."

"Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?"

"So I'm not allowed near petting zoos... .. Or as I prefer to call them, heavy petting zoos."

"Why did Moby Dick join a heavy metal band? He could really whale."

"[grocery shopping] ""Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER"" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS"

"One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming..."

"How did the bottle of whiskey laugh? ...wryly."