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Joke of the Day

"I need to burn 644,098 calories at the gym today."

"I USED MY WIFE'S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN'T STOP YELLING!"

"Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No"

"I was watching a hulu video and an ad came up saying ""This episode was brought to you by the invisible children."" Now I know how the internet works."

"Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix."

"9/11 jokes are not funny guys.. The other 2, however, are hilarious!!"

"I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called ""101 ways to improve your confidence"". I couldn't buy it though, the cashier would have laughed at me......"

"I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken."

"I'm celibate because i don't give a fuck."

"A flea jumped over the swinging doors of a saloon drank three whiskeys and jumped out again. He picked himself up from the dirt dusted himself down and said ""OK who moved my dog?"""