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Joke of the Day

"[At vet] Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells. Vet: What have you been feeding him? Me: Egg shells."

"You can never tell when someone's had plastic surgery. It always looks super real & not weird or awful. You should get some."

"What's fatter than your mom? Your mom after her next meal."

"I don't care about heaven when I die I just want to know which words I used the most and how many bears I unknowingly walked by &other stats"

"There are 2 types of people in the world. Those who don't fold their clothes out of the dryer... ...and women."

"What do you call a really cheesy thought? A quesaIDEA."

"What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song? Crimea River..."

"""Can you describe your self in two words?"" - Lazy."

"Do you know why police dogs are called K9? Well, because if they used ""K10"", they'd be cats."

"Teacher: Any questions *raises hand* T: NO DUMB ONES ""Can you see continent names from space"" T: FOR FU-..ugh...Not if it's cloudy bud"