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Joke of the Day

"Psychiatrist: ""Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds."" Me: ""So how does that make you feel?"""

"I walked up to a guy in the gym. I said, ""How do you use this piece of equipment?"" ""It's pretty simple,"" he replied, ""Just push the button and it dries your hands..."""

"Before Calling Me, ask yourself ""Is This Textable?"""

"I'm sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine."

"*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out ""NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE"""

"My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed."

"What do Derek Jeter and girls' asses have in common? They're both overrated bags of shit"

"What do you get when you go scuba diving with your iPhone 6 The bends."

"Did you hear Ben and Jerry are going to bring out a special line of LGBT ice-cream? They're gonna call it Ambrusia."

"This yogurt is so cultured, I can only eat it when I'm listening to Beethoven."