192004

Joke of the Day

"Wife: What are you gonna do today? Me: Shower. W: ...what else? M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower."

"You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop... I've that."

"They're remaking Ocean's 11 with an all-female cast and it's gonna be called Ocean's 8 It's that damn wage gap I tell ya!"

"[getting escorted out of zoo] ""I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie"""

"You know what'd be an AMAZING prank for April Fool's Day, Reddit? If you could stay up for 24 hours straight :3"

"I say: ""No, sorry. I'm not on Facebook at all."" They hear: ""I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship."""

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To visit the idiot. Knock knock. Who's there? *The chicken.*"

"Why did D.R.E. call his headphones Beats? He named them after his favorite father-son activity."

"When my kids get too loud in our minivan I simply race over the nearest speedbump to make them bite their tongues."

"What do you call some one with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."