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Joke of the Day

"Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life."

"My little brother urinated all over my new laptop. I think he needs to learn to use Ctrl P."

"What do you call the smallest Superman in the world?.. Quark Kent."

"I always thought I should be a comedian... ... because growing up my parents always told me I was a fucking joke."

"What do your child and your dick have in common? If you don't beat it enough, it'll start standing up for itself in public."

"Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to [I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice] Except maybe that guy"

"I hate racism and black people."

"What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that."

"What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? ""I'm stuck on you!"""

"They say: Dance like there's nobody watching, sing like there's nobody listening. But non of them are there to vouch for you when you end up in an insane asylum."