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Joke of the Day

"Why did the twinkie go to the dentist? He lost his filling!"

"My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I'm practicing jumping out of a moving car."

"Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries. Me: *goes home* *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box* *eats 12 donuts*"

"What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk? A milk dud."

"Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver... the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it."

"As a bootleg vet, I get asked to turn cats into dogs it's a ruff job."

"What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer."

"What does a black and white bear use to cook it's dinner? A pan, duh!"

"What did one ass cheek say to the other? We gotta hold this shit together."

"Just used my CVS receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids."