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Joke of the Day

"Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver... the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it."

"Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day? He fell in love with the Grand National winner!"

"What do you call Abe Lincoln having sex? The emancipator-procreator."

"Instead of an accountant, hire a philosopher to do your taxes. It's the thought that counts."

"[reading test results] ""It looks like you're gonna be just fine"" [nurse whispers in ear] ""Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks"" -Steve Harvey M.D."

"How do you kill lots of Anzacs in a small amount of time? By telling them to get out of the trench"

"But were you called ""dream wife"" on the internet today? Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see."

"Why are your kids like drugs? Because the law says you shouldn't do them, but it feels *sooooo* good - until you wake up the next day and just want to flat-out kill yourself."

"Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America's Next Top Model or the Hamburglar"

"Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!"