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Joke of the Day

"I just fucked up instant oatmeal like some kind of husband in a commercial."

"To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes."

"I'm so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!"

"LPT: Be thorough with everything you do and you'll struggle not to succeed!"

"Why did the clothing store close? The employees where slacking off."

"I call my Asian friend Spongebob Because he's yellow and can't drive"

"Boy, are you a salad? Because I don't want you."

"Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients? Me: Well, I'm just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces"

"What do you call a bouncy plane? Boeing Boeing Boeing"

"Storm What do call if it was raining Nazis? A Heil storm"