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Joke of the Day

"My friends always say that I have narcissistic tendencies. I should get mad... ...but I love when they talk about me."

"[wife replies to text that I found a genie] dont do a thing im almost home [she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]"

"The Simpsons will never run out of money. Homer's always bringing home the D'oh!"

"Before you send that mass ""Merry Christmas!"" text don't."

"I got an escort for my grandpa's 100th birthday. She said that she would give him super sex. He said ""I'll take the soup."""

"Did you know that Stalin suffered from bulimia? He didn't binge, though, he just purged."

"My boss told me to have a good day So i went home..."

"If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Genocide."

"It's confusing for me too, but I don't need your money so you're going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out."

"I just found out I had sex with a monkey in a previous life You cant blame me though because it was really long ago, and I was the first Human that wasnt fully a monkey myself."