188219

Joke of the Day

"I love self-deprecating jokes. Too bad I suck at them."

"Why did Tommen jump out the window? Because he was ready to come out."

"How do you get a hipster to take a shower? Give them a leaky showerhead. You know, so they can avoid the main stream."

"Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you."

"Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home"

"What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!"

"What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted some ice cream? Sherbert. (I can't take credit for this amazing piece of comedy. Heard it from a friend, no idea if he came up with it or not.)"

"Taking BuzzFeed's millennialness quiz. Apparently having mental health issues and not knowing your gender is 100% millennial."

"A jumper cable walks into a bar... and the bartender says ""I'll serve you but don't start anything"""

"I just did absolutely nothing for this Klondike Bar."