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Joke of the Day

"*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek* ""Make a wish,"" I say. *I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*"

"How do you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife's clothes"

"I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith."

"Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I've never felt so alone. Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?"

"McDonald's burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on."

"What do you call a stack of cats. A Meowuntian"

"Does anyone know how to take care of a Fern? Asking for a frond."

"I'm not informed enough to vote.... Who do you think i am? A redditor?"

"The last time I checked, I was a weirdo. Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo."

"What did Hitler invest his money in hand sanitizer? It kills 99.9% of Germs."