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Joke of the Day

"Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby"

"*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek* ""Make a wish,"" I say. *I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*"

"Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up."

"Hey y'all, I finally got a smart phone. I'm a big girl now! Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?"

"I used olive oil for sex last night. Popeye was furious when he found out."

"How do you make a duck sing? Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers"

"My dream is to be a security guard on Maury. I'd whisper ""you look like a Volkswagen Beetle with eyes."" When the women were crying backstage"

"Received a call from a recruitment consultant. She said to me: ""Sir I have two openings for you...!"" I replied : Yes. I know .There was a long silence and then she hung up."

"What would Marilyn Monroe being doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the lid of her coffin."

"Autocorrect just turned ""stepdaughter"" into ""lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"""