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Joke of the Day

"A cow walks into a bar n."

"My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek'd PLEASE DON'T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid."

"If you read a text in front of the mirror three times, I will appear and help you analyze it."

"War is not the answer Unless, ""What is the opposite of peace?"" is the question."

"I'm just waiting for the right person to come along and mistake my crippling pessimism for an attractive sense of humor."

"I've been with the same woman for twenty years. Don't tell my wife. She'd kill me."

"If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you!"

"It's a bird, it's a plane! No, it's my data plan!"

"How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a light-bulb? As many as will fit."

"I hate when people say, ""I wish I was a kid again."" Did you have sex and drink alcohol as a kid? Nope. So shut the fuck up. Goodnight."