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Joke of the Day

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it."

"I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids"

"The Climate of New Zealand Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!"

"Guys with huge dongs are just compensating for their tiny cars."

"I am not well... ... neither am I a river!"

"How far away is the US Army's website? Just a few klicks away."

"Q.How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead? A. The remote control slips from his hand."

"TIL Doug Liman will be directing an adaptation of the Passion story for 2017, with Matt Damon as Jesus Christ. Bourne is the King of Israel!"

"Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic> Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem."

"Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint."