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Joke of the Day

"My dad finally left me a voicemail where he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer."

"I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective"

"What do you call your female friend with tiny breasts? Your flatmate"

"How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there."

"A man with no nose applies to be a professional flatulence detector."

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance..... ..... I'll show him"

"What's the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window."

"I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I'm going with that story."

"So two mushrooms walk into an elevator. One turns to the other and says, ""There's not mushroom in here is there?"""

"When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box...But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle."