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Joke of the Day

"In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform."

"""How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?"" -guy who invented condoms"

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."

"when it snows are snowmen ever like holy shit it's my flesh"

"My sister said she thought it would be cool to be a meme. I told her to run for president."

"My doctor told me I had stop masturbating. I asked why and she said ""because you're in my office and it's fucking disgusting."" Fair enough."

"Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the fuck out of the dog."

"A termite walks into a bar... And asks, ""Is the bartender here?""."

"The high today is only 37 and the low is when I ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy before 10am."

"Grandma: 'And that's how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home' Me: 'So you haven't seen my scarf?'"