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Joke of the Day

"The three most important unwritten rules. 1. 2. 3."

"The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling."

"When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I'd make a terrible midwife."

"My girlfriend's daughter was laying across my legs. Me: What am I a pillow now? Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding."

"I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone."

"What's an Atheist's favorite joke book? The bible. Please don't kill me for this."

"What do you call a cow with no sense of humor? Moody."

"Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine"

"I would go to any lengths to find a good measuring tape."

"[oc] I just bought a new computer. It is Made in Jamaica. Runs really fast, but doesn't do anything useful."