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Joke of the Day
"[narrating people dancing at a wedding] These humans are using their legs for the first time today"
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"Did you hear about the man who had purple paint thrown all over him? He was violeted"
"Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well Teacher: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!"
"If you've ever taken a baby to a movie, please set yourself on fire. Thanks."
"Had a trip to the Docs I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said ""Can u describe the symptoms?"" I said ""Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"""
"Two most important rules of programming 1. Avoid repetitions 2. Avoid repetitions"
"""I shit you not"" - Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom"
"How will Trump fund the wall? He'll get the money from *wall* street"
"What did one ball say to the other? ""This guy in the middle is a dick"""
"The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking."