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Joke of the Day

"[narrating people dancing at a wedding] These humans are using their legs for the first time today"

"*el chapo dies* God: okay I'm gonna have to send you to hell Chapo: ok *3 weeks later* Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell"

"PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear"

"Have you heard of the grammar nazi? He is really anti-semantic..."

"Which white dude probably had the biggest dick? Michael Jackson"

"Why does the left foot get all the blame if you're a poor dancer? ""Oh, you have two left feet. Hur hur hur"" I guess it is #rightprivilege"

"Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door."

"Why does the lemon feel uncomfortable making friends outside of tumblr? Because it has cis-trust issues"

"Titanic the boat cost $174 million, Titanic the film cost $200 million. Why didn't James Cameron just rebuild the ship and sink it for real?"

"People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!"