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Joke of the Day

"I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly"

"What did Maxwell Smart Say the first time.... What did Maxwell Smart Say the first time he butt fucked 99? Missed it by that much."

"Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear"

"I'm against plastic surgery, but it's also horrifying what people are supposed to really look like."

"Everyone knows that lighting our farts is great, but when are we gonna be able to vape our farts?"

"Saying ""oh my gosh you're getting so big!"" is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend."

"The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans."

"What's so cool about cemeteries? I don't get it. People are dying to get in them."

"My ex-girlfriend's star sign was cancer. It is quite ironic how she died.... .... she was killed by a giant crab."

"Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word."