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Joke of the Day

"I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I'm a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation."

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"For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair"
"What do you call a septic cat? pussy."
"Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year."
"ME: want anything for breakfast? BOSS: just banana [struggling to hold office door shut] ANA: let me in! ME: sorry boss said to ban you"
"itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself.... -history"
"My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty."
"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy .... .... I hear you ask."
"I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career."