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Joke of the Day

"*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead* If you're here then.. [cut to kid bursting through a wall like 'oh yeah']"

"Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means"

"I'm going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I'll also bring a horse."

"Analogies are like masturbation I'm finishing both right now."

"When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor."

"My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well actually he said ""less McDonald's"" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant"

"Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit."

"Sad news from the Nestle chocolate factory. A man was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolate. Apparently every time he shouted: ""The Milky Bars are on me!"" his workmates just cheered."

"9 volt battery and assholes A woman's asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn't, but soon or later you're gonna put your tongue on it!"

"A friend was complaining about how hard it is to cook eggs sunny side up... I told him to put a lid on it."