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Joke of the Day
"I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!"
Next Joke
"A Sober Irishman"
"Gift cards are another way of saying, don't spend this on dope."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*"
"I just flew in from Phoenix... Boy are my arms tired No seriously, I was jacking off the entire plane ride home"
"Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say ""do you know who I am?"" because while I wait I like to be introspective"
"Online relationships - For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too."
"My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!"
"When I was going into surgery my dad said ""Good luck w/ your surgery"" and I said ""you too"" so now my dad has to get surgery too, he's pissed"