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Joke of the Day

"If you say ""anyways"" instead of ""anyway,"" that's alls I needs to knows abouts yous."

"My brother's now ok with me calling him retarded. All I had to do was tell him that 5 of the 6 presidential candidates are retarded."

"Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets? They ain't private ears. (I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)"

"My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Then the librarian told me to take it out."

"Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience."

"A man walked into a bar. He should have been watching where we was going."

"Why do cow wear bells? Because their horn doesn't work!"

"My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live."

"Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?"

"You know you're not a Harry Potter fan if: you think a parcel-tongue is someone who can speak to packages."