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Joke of the Day

"I told her she has the most beautiful eyes and she started screaming... Apparently she doesn't like to be woken up by total strangers."

"my thoughts and prayers go out to anyone at ComicCon attending a live taping of a podcast"

"Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship."

"All my tweets are based on true events that happened in my head."

"How is digging fence post holes like being the mayor of Toronto? It goes pretty smoothly until you start hitting the rock."

"Wes Craven died? Well that sucks, I sure wes craven another scary movie..."

"What has four wheels and flies A Garbage truck"

"Sorry girls, I'm no Bruno Mars, I won't catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I'd use you as a human shield."

"My wife said I must think she's a whore... I told her a whore would be cheaper."

"Two antenna met on a roof... fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was *excellent*."