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Joke of the Day

"Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with ""If you're reading this, I'm already dead."""

"What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you? - My toddler, wooing the dog"

"They say we are created in Gods image. So does that mean he smells the toilet paper after wiping too?"

"I ate at this restaurant last night. After dinner they gave us some strange cookies. I ate that cookie right away but my friends all removed a small paper message from theirs. That cost me a fortune"

"That Awkward Moment when you find something hilarious, but nobody else does."

"Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed: 1. To surprise them with it. 2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing."

"What do the Welsh like to do in their private time? Oh, sorry guys. It would've been a baaaaaa-d joke."

"Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... ...but it's definitely up there."

"do you have any idea how fast you were going? ""no, I'm not wearing my contacts"""

"Cop: FREEZE, DON'T MOVE!!! Me: *stops moving* Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me:... Cop: NOW! Me:... Me:... Cop: for the love of god...unfreeze"