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Joke of the Day

"Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed."

"*buys almond milk* ""I'm gonna get healthy!"" *drinks almond milk* ""This is gross."" *pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk* ""Perfect."""

"Can I seriously not read Dr. Seuss books for free online? Very well. To my local library it is. #FreeVideosOfChicksEatingPooButNotFreeBooks?"

"Umlaut is a pretty fancy word for what are basically just letter nipples."

"A woman is late to a fight. She takes a seat next to several men. ""How many cocks have been beaten?"" she asks. ""None, until now,"" says a man with a smile."

"I act like I don't care but deep inside I still don't give a fcuk."

"please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch's middle initial is Q"

"A scarecrow just won a Nobel prize. It was for being out-standing in his field."

"What did one horny whale say to the other? Wanna humpback at my place?"

"What goes dot dot dash squeak ? Mouse code !"