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Joke of the Day

"Him: what does a polar bear weigh? Me: I don't know Him: enough to break the ice, my name's John. Me: so's mine."

"Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster."

"*uses blood from wounds to write my killer's name on the floor* I...will be...avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON'T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!"

"TIL: A second is called a second because it's not first."

"Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names."

"Anonymous doesn't hack Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can't use a computer."

"I'm holding a latte and a scone while I break into this Audi so people think it's mine and I've locked my keys in it."

"What does it mean to be an Agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia? You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"I used to own a nocturnal horse... She was a nightmare."

"What do Albanian kids want to be when they grow up? Italian"