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Joke of the Day

"WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ."

"*CAN'T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR* SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty..."

"Sorry girls, I'm no Bruno Mars, I won't catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I'd use you as a human shield."

"Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President"

"I put my pants on just like everyone else in your mom's bedroom in the morning"

"Where did Sally go after the explosion? Everywhere"

"I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside."

"Your mama so poor....... She went on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire just to make a phone call."

"So I told my wife I ate a bunch of pineapple today ;-) But then as I came in her mouth, I said ""oh yeah, and a bunch of bacon too"""

"I'm 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote."