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Joke of the Day

"In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word ""blobjob"". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for..."

"Where do babies come from? Well, when a man and a woman drink alcoholic beverages together..."

"Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter!"

"Winning chess is the same as winning women. All it takes is the right amount of checks."

"I carry a backpack full of receipts and gum wrappers and go through it while I'm at a cashier until someone who's frustrated pays for me."

"KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?"

"Me - I'm not in the mood to work today My bank account - you better GET in the mood"

"6: I'm done. Me: you didn't even touch your food! 6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact* The Sass is strong with this one"

"""My Cocaine"" How Michael Caine says his name..."

"6-year-old: Where did the tornado go? Me: Don't worry. It's gone. 6: To where? Me: It just disappeared 6: Isn't that a little bit fishy?"