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Joke of the Day

"So Lisa said she wanted to be friends with benefits Where's my dental plan, you slut? (source, college humor)"

"No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*"

"Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention."

"I went to the fancy dress shop the other day but they couldn't help me complete my wizard costume You just can't get the staff."

"Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it."

"You're more likely to find something when you're not looking for it. Right now, I'm not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works."

"Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank? Because she was drinking on the job."

"What's being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that."

"An invisible man married an invisible woman... Their kids were nothing to look at either."

"Went to kill a spider with a rolled up newspaper and all it did was sit there and laugh at me for still reading a newspaper."