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Joke of the Day

"ME: I'VE BEEN SHOT TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids ME: THOSE DON'T FIX BULLETHOLES TS: *picks up guitar* ...brb ME: I'M STILL DYING"

"This guy at my work fell into the upholstery machine today. Don't worry, hes fully recovered."

"Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!"

"What I say: ""Does anyone need anything from the store?"" What I mean: ""I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."""

"News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring. Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat. Edit: this is /u/Onetap1's joke, credit goes to him"

"People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago."

"Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make "

"Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn't seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes."

"What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name."

"Logged out of Twitter for a few hours... Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family."